I’m not even shocked anymore as to why I have such an awful relationship with food.
I’ve never been body confident. I’ve always been nervous about what I eat. I remember my mom counting weight watcher points when I was little and talking about it with her friends.
Now being at home, after several years of living on my own. Yes I’ve gained weight but I’ve also been through a lot and unfortunately I used food as my comfort instead of the other ways I used to deal with things. In comparison resorting to food is a lot better than smoking copious amounts of weed, drinking, or having sex.
My entire family has noticed, of course I have too. I have looked in the mirror and cried more than my fair share.
I know how to lose weight so many people are telling me “just eat well and exercise” I really just need a meal plan and a grocery list to go by. But I feel my energy levels decreasing and also working full time in full time university is not giving me much time for myself and to come up with meal ideas.
I am nervous to put on a bathing suit this summer. I hate clothes shopping I hate seeing myself naked I hate looking in the mirror.
And I also hate off hand comments.
I know I’ve gained weight. I need to deal with it. I KNOW.
I also feel like I need to be in a better place mentally too.
I remember this one time I broke up with a guy. I wasn’t feeling it anymore. He made me feel uncomfortable.. and a few weeks later I saw him at a party and said hi. And he told me all of the things that he hated about me. All the things I had done wrong.
We only dated for three weeks. Did he really know me?
All of that came to my mind right now..
I drank coffee today and my anxiety has been going crazy…
I am wondering if its because of the coffee, or because I am trying to figure out a bunch of stuff in life.
… I feel all funny.
I can actually sing.. when I want to.. and have been several musicals in my life.. and various plays.
I can act…
I was in dance for 13 years. Im not sure Im all that good at it, but I’d LOVE to be able to pick it up again.
I can sew…
I also know how to knit
And rug hook.
I wonder why I am involved in an institution that’s putting me thousands of dollars in debt with no job security. It’s creating me into a type of person that I never want to be… an anxious stressball of crying mess.. and I don’t know how to slow down my head.
I used to have hobbies.. I used to think… I used to read and enjoy books.
Now when I have spare time I stare mindlessly at a TV or blankly at a white wall. I drink until I puke (not very often..I swear) or I watch a sad movie so I have an excuse to cry.
I dont know why I bother.. I am getting so frustrated in trying hard, busting my balls and getting no recognition. or thanks. Instead im met with laughter or poor grades with “you can do better” slapped all over my precious work. I spent hours on that.
Why do I bother trying to conform into something that these people that I don’t want to be anything like want me to be?
Why can’t my parents see that I am completely miserable. I need to take a break.. I want time to myself and I want to breath again. I miss being able to enjoy things and having an answer to… “Do you have hobbies?”
Because right now my answer is “sleep”.
I want to drown in a bed of tea and the stress i am feeling is causing me to gain weight.
I found the blog i ran whenever I was in highschool, and it made me want to cry… I don’t think like I used to.. Im turning into this creep of a monster.
I want to keep the people Im closest to close… I dont want to be stressed and yelling at the people that matter the most to me.
I miss the happy person I used to be.. I don’t like the exhausted anxious mess that i’ve turned into.
And yes, i realize a university education gives you more money in the end… but what if im happy living the way I am? Can I figure things out and find better jobs through the experience I have when I have kids?
Or maybe I don’t have to worry that far in advance.
I’m developing depression amongst the books and the prison walls that have been painted in “happy colors” to keep our attention to the front of the class.
I miss going for walks.. I miss having a day to sleep in.. I want to have time where Im not worrying about deadlines and assignments.
If this is what growing up is I don’t want any part of it.
If this is what life is I don’t want any part of it.
Im hurting.. Im aching.. Im tired.
And frankly I don’t know what to do anymore…
If anyone is still reading.. i’d love for some love or advice.. I think I have depression and Im not sure how to deal with any of it…
My mind goes to very dark scary places lately and im scared all the time….
If you’re not reading to this point, well thanks for following my blog posts and enjoy the photos.
This is my cry for help